Dear Drunken Celebrity Driver,

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Dear Drunken Celebrity Driver,

A Tale of Two Accents

To commemorate “Bloody Sunday,” and compete for black voters both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke at churches in Selma, Alabama.

In her speech Hillary Clinton affected a horribly butchered Southern accent. It was so bad, I was surprised when I saw the visual records of her speech she was wearing a real belt instead of a rope, and she was not chewing on a stalk of wheat. She wasn’t even carrying a brown jug with Xs painted on it. Listen for yourself if you think I’m crazy. Her accent was really that bad.

Now, I don’t have any qualms telling Britney Spears she needs a better publicist. If there’s something at which Spears excels it is creating situations that are cries for help. And therefore, she was practically begged for my advice. But Clinton, a lawyer, a politician, a capable woman who was co-President for eight years, a woman who managed to raise a daughter who isn’t an out-of-control mental. I feel uncomfortable advising her. But if she’s going to insist on acting down-homey, and accessible she needs to add a drama coach to her entourage.

It couldn’t possibly be that she fell into a Southern accent because she used to have one. She was born and raised in a rich suburb of Chicago, Illinois. She went on to college in Massachusetts, not moving to Arkansas until she was 26 or 27, far past her formative years.

Barack Obama also adopted a Southern accent during his speech. Even though he was born Honolulu, Hawaii, and lived there and in Jakarta until college. (I’ve never been to Jakarta, but I’m reasonably certain that chances are slim that he picked up a Southern accent there.) Not that I excuse him from being a Faky Fakerton, but he affected his Southern accent with a much lighter hand.

Clinton’s twang faded in and out and was downright insulting, and I’m not even from the South. I’m sure Clinton didn’t mean to offend Southern voters by butchering a Southern accent. I’m sure it was a misstep, a miscalculation.

She must have figured that talking like an idiot worked for George W. Bush, so it could work for her. Hooked on Phonics may have worked for Bush, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right method for teaching people with a fully functioning brain to read.

I Need Some Space

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

I Need Some Space

Early Valentine

All Lit Up

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

All Lit Up

Aiken for Manners

Kelly Ripa is one of those celebrities that gives me hives. It could be her unrelenting perkiness, her child-like buoyancy or the myriad of “blond” moments she wanders into. But it is certainly not her prejudices that bother me. Earlier this week on Regis and Kelly, Ripa co-hosted the show with guest host Clay Aiken. (In the interest of full disclosure, Aiken also gives me hives.)

While they were doing a meaningful and in-depth interview with the winners of “Dancing with the Stars,” Aiken felt left out of the conversation while the loquacious Kelly Ripa plowed through the questions on her index card. He covered her mouth with his hand to shut her up. “Oh, that's a no-no,” Ripa said, “I don't know where that hand's been, honey.”

I haven’t touched the door to a public restroom with my bare hands for about three years. I posses a rubber Purell cozy that attaches my mini bottle of Purell to a case I nearly always stow in the car when I go out. Regardless of color, socioeconomic status, or gender, I really don’t like being touched in general. It never occurred to me that germiness could be based on sexual orientation.

Apparently, it occurred to Rosie O’Donnell, a vocal advocate for gay rights, who accused Kelly Ripa of homophobia. O’Donnell said on The View, "To me, that's a homophobic remark," Rosie said. "If that was a straight man, if that was a cute man. If that was a guy who she didn't question his sexuality, she would've said a different thing."

Nevermind the fact that Clay Aiken repeatedly insists that his sexuality is not up for discussion. Nevermind the fact that he disrespected Kelly Ripa by covering her mouth. Something he most assuredly would never have done to Regis, or any other man. O’Donnell remarked that it was odd that Ripa would have said “I don't know where that hand's been,” but that’s exactly what I would have said if someone I was acquainted with put his over my mouth. Right after I asked said imaginary ill-mannered acquaintance what the Hell he thought he was doing. It seems like a sexist thing on the part of Aiken, not a homophobic thing on the part of Ripa.

There has been debate that by accusing Kelly Ripa of being homophobic, that O’Donnell has outed Clay Aiken. But I think she really outed her unhygienic lifestyle, and her eagerness to erupt in outrage over her erroneous perception of bigotry. Hopefully Barbara Walters will remind her that it’s The View, not My Delusional View.

Choose the Real Shocker

• Neil Patrick Harris comes out.
• Second SPF baby doesn't save marriage of Britney Spears and KFed.
• Donald Rumsfeld resigns.

Saint Bleedingheart of Tinseltown

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Saint Bleedingheart of Tinseltown

My Not-So-Funny Valentine

Finally, I have an understanding of Barbara Streisand and her, so she describes it “art.” Yesterday after an apparently uncomfortably long, pun-filled, mildly humorous skit between Streisand and a bumbling Bush impersonator, one audience heckler was fed up and expressed his/her feelings by shouting them. Streisand replied by screaming, "Shut the (expletive deleted) up! Shut up if you can't take a joke!" To which the baffled heckler replied, “That was a joke?”

Her outburst effectively stopped further complaints from the fan who paid at least $250, evidently expecting singing without interruption by amateurish politically charged comedy skits. Streisand apologized for erupting like Dick Cheney on the floor of the Senate, and commented that, "the artist's role is to disturb."

Upon reading about the incident I had an Oprah “light bulb” moment of momentous proportions. I now understand Streisand’s “art,” because I’ve always been deeply disturbed by her music.

A diva loosing her cool on stage may seem to be an inconsequential tidbit in the scheme of things, but I’m certain it is only the first F-Bomb to be deployed in the current battle between Democrats and Republicans to seriously harm the mental health of the American Citizenry (and the Citizenship Challenged) in the carnage of the upcoming November elections. Score one for Liberals.

Things I Realized Last Week

• People could be doing pot right now, people in my neighborhood
• They could even be supplying pot to their children
• Dad won’t do anything for spice cake
• Bad parents are still allowed to be teachers
• Every generous donation and adopted child will just make me hate Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie even more (Their natural child hasn’t even cooled off from being out of the oven and they’re adopting another one.)
  
• There are a lot of people who think it's okay to ride a motorcycle without a helmet
• The CIA really is evil
• My brother will answer an e-mail with a question about cars in it
• I could hate Ford even more (Their American Idol inspired commercial gets on my nerves. I shouldn’t have to watch that show. Not even for 30 seconds.)
  

Wanted: Publicist for Britney Spears:

Must write talking points, and have patience to drill her on said talking points. Must have steady hand, in order to assist with make-up application, an eye for proportion for choosing of clothing and must be able to keep constant tabs on Ms. Spears’ hairbrush, which has a tendency to go missing. Must be willing to periodically delouse client, due to frequent exposure to lax bather. Must be willing to hold slightly used gum during television interviews. Must instruct Ms. Spears in deportment. No college degree necessary.

Recap of car crash interview with Matt Lauer.

"Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Chandler made national news when police arrested a couple on possession and sale of marijuana, which they allegedly used to reward their 11 and 12-year-old boys. Their buzz kill four-year-old daughter was apparently still to young to light up with Mom and Dad for putting her toys away. (I think the last time we were so famous is when Ali "Whack-job" Warrayat attempted to blow up our Home Depot.)

Chandler, AZ is a strange place. A blend of the middle class and wealthy interspersed with stark pockets of economic distress. Trailer parks and housing that only a government could build pop up here and there among the lavish strip malls. Some of the houses in the “old” section of town are so poorly insulated the occupants have resorted to opaque aluminum foil window tint. These homes contrast with a handful of very pretty fire stations, ostentatious gated communities, an expansive, showy downtown library and plans for a citywide wireless network. It’s a jarring contrast, and one that I believe should not exist in the richest country in the world. (No, I don't think we should deport all of the poor people.)

When I brought up the satellite image of the block where Betty "Magic-brownies" Crocker,^* and family reside, I was fully expecting to see one of the grungy pockets of town. But instead, I found it was a relatively new neighborhood, where the houses are going for around $250 thousand. In addition, the neighborhood is spitting distance from Hamilton High School--so conveniently located for contributing to the delinquency of minors.

It will be interesting to see if the stoner parents use the Britney Spears defense. In an interview scheduled to air on the “Today” show on Thursday, Spears spoke with Matt Lauer about the time a vicious mob of scary paparazzi made her flee in her SUV (her Frappuccino and un-captured soul intact) with mini K-Fed on her lap. "I did it with my Dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive…We're country." Sorry, honey, that’s not country. That’s just stupid. And so is sharing your stash with your kids, no matter how good they are.


* Not her real name.

This Just In: I Could Give a Steaming Cow Flop

Things I wish they would stop "reporting" in the news:

• American Idol
• 24 (I didn’t used hate Kiefer Sutherland’s guts, but I’m working on it)
• Brittany Spears
• Tom Cruise
• Dirty Restaurants
• The News Anchor’s palatial estate
• News Anchors who pretend to be everyday people after mentioning their palatial estate
• Puff pieces that amount to sycophantic advertising for their Network/Parent Company
• The latest horrible thing that will definitely kill me, if I don’t watch their report on it
• David Blaine’s latest asinine stunt
• Stories about psychics/mediums/leprechauns
• What the new black is

Sunburn Free Since '93

Dear Sunscreen Industry,

I have a deep regard and respect for your products. Despite living in Arizona my skin is so pale, that if they ever decide to have Halloween in July I could be a frightening vampire goth chick with a black dress and little or no make-up. I am fully confident that the only set of matched alligator skin luggage that I’ll own by the time I’m forty, is the ones I will have purchased by then (that is, it would be, if I didn’t think it was wrong to kill and skin alligators expressly to fulfill my travel needs).

I do wonder, however, why the majority of your lines of sunscreen seem to have delved far and wide into the heady musk of tropical smells, wandered into the rankest part of the deep, dark jungle, turned around and realized they were hopelessly lost forever. I find it painfully embarrassing to leave the house smelling somewhere between beach bum and French bordello with the merest hint of pineapple. You seem to be under the delusion that everyone wants to carry the overpowering scent of passion fruit and coconut everywhere for the whole summer. And in my case for the entire year.

I have noticed that many retailers are confused about the temperature here during “winter” but, honestly, it is like summer all year round in Arizona. We really do have a need for grilling accessories and garden tools all year, and no, we don’t really need angora sweaters and snow boots. Although apparently on occasion, we do need ice scrapers if it is a cold “winter” and we don’t have a parking spot in the sun.

I, like many people, have paid dearly for particular brand of perfume I have found pleasing. It seems that since I’ve moved to Arizona, land of sunburns and carjackings, I’ve had precious few occasions to smell like something other than a committee’s idea of a tropical orchid and with the underlying fruitiness of guava, in a formulation that can be mass produced as cheaply as possible and doesn’t permanently blind the lab rabbits. Furthermore, if I wanted to attract every insect within a five-mile radius I would strap on a fanny pack filled with dog feces.

I have been a faithful customer, ever since the notorious sunburn of the summer of '93. Where I believe I had just a little touch of sunstroke because I began to think that I was in the midst of morphing into a giant lobster. I not only slather my skin daily with SPF 30, I force Sweetface to endure grease-induced heebie jeebies, so that he won’t wake up one day to find a cancerous mole on his left arm the size of a kiwi fruit. He tolerates the floral scents so powerful they could be used to gas Al Qaeda members out of their hidey-holes, because he loves me and is tired of the nagging.

I did find one kind of sunscreen for sensitive skin without fragrance. Unfortunately, it absorbed into my skin like wallpaper paste. I would have been better off with a bucket of zinc oxide and a brush, because at least then my legs would have been completely white and not splotchy white.

Please, please, offer your consumers alternatives to smelling like co-eds gone wild who have had 5 too many piña coladas on Spring Break. If people want to smell like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton that is their business. If they want to be pale and skin cancer free, that is your business. Who are you to dictate the overwhelming fragrance that will hover poolside all over the country this summer?

Your Loyal and Ghostly Customer,
Sarah Letnes
Cursed Tongue

Cursed Tongue’s Guide to Dressing for TV Court Shows

It seems that the universe thinks that the Cursed Tongue is spending a little too much time watching day time TV, and is worried that I am this close to tuning into QVC, because last week I received a jury summons.

Am I pathetic for being excited about a jury summons, or what?

In preparation for said jury duty I have been viewing judge shows. (It’s still day time TV, I realize, but it’s okay since it's research.) And it seems that many litigants are confused as to how they should dress when bringing their case before the court. If a talk show host is ever in need of a makeover victim, they need only watch a judge show.

In my limited experience with the law, it seems to me that one would want to make a good impression on the judge. And court being a solemn and business-like venue, it seems more than appropriate to wear a sensible accountant-type business suit.

The first thing the judge notices about people before them is what they are wearing. But there is no end of T-shirts, sparkly-to-distraction vests, team jerseys, fringed-leather disasters, and furiously warped blind-knitter sweaters. (It’s really nice of people to keep the blind-knitter employed, but I don’t think even they would be offended if you decided not to wear their sweaters in front of millions of TV viewers. Besides, how would they know if you didn’t?)

In one episode of Judge Judy I saw a girl wearing what I swear was nylon slip. At first I thought she may have been making a fashion statement, but once she opened her mouth I knew immediately that she had simply forgotten to put on her dress. And while TV judges are intelligent enough not to let their impression of someone keep them from carrying out the law, I don’t know why anyone would want to start off on the wrong foot by wearing the hideous, painfully fashionable, brand spanking new outfit they bought especially for their appearance on national TV.

I once had a roommate who judged people by their shoes. Now, generally I frown on this kind of behavior, but I think it is stupid for someone to walk into a court situation in a tube top and neon pink vinyl mini skirt. A person like that is simply broadcasting that they are only in court for their 15 minutes, and probably did key their ex-boyfriend’s car and are certain that by wearing something flashy and inappropriate that Hollywood will discover them.


Court Show Apparel Dos and Don’ts

Do Wear:

• A suit or khakis or a skirt with a blouse or button-down shirt
• No more than 3 accessories
• Wear a size that fits you
• Something comfortable that won’t make you fidget (There’s nothing like fidgeting to make someone look guilty.)
• Solid colors (A pattern that looks perfectly normal in real life could play tricks on the eye once it has been televised. The loyal viewers of the People’s Court might be hypnotized by the dancing stripes on a what may otherwise be a reasonable tie.)
• A flattering color

Don’t Wear:

• T-shirt
• Jeans
• Anything sleeveless
• Pajamas
• Anything that could be pajamas
• Anything that could be mistaken for underwear or swimwear
• Jewelry bigger than your fist
• Sweats
• Team jerseys
• Animal prints
• Excessive faux fur
• Fringe
• Neon
• Feathers
• Plaid
• Anything sparkly
• Sequins
• Sneakers
• Flip-flops
• Any outfit you might regret reliving on the videocassette

As a final guard against a courtroom fashion blunder, ask yourself, “Have I seen this outfit on Britney Spears?” If the answer is yes, do not wear the clothing in question.

Tonya Harding: Get Over It Somewhere Else

This morning, in yet another vain attempt to get actual news from a morning news show, I tuned to Good Morning America. Charlie announced that it was the first International "Get Over It Day," and I knew immediately that he was just encouraging a bunch of lunatics who think they can invent asinine holidays to justify binge drinking.

(If you really want to make up a holiday bring an entire race the gift of smallpox or do great things for our country and die so we can at least get a day off in the deal.)

Further upsetting, he introduced Tonya Harding as the poster skater for “Get Over It Day.” It’s been twelve years since the old-fashioned knee-bashing, but frankly, I really don’t care to hear about malicious, icky people who built their celebrity by being an accessory premeditated battery. They made her out to be a victim on Good Morning America when she admitted to having advance knowledge of the infamous beating in a plea bargain.

On their website, Good Morning America quotes Harding as saying of her fans: "They look to me as a normal person who has gone through some horrible thing.” I sure hope she was talking about the pain of realizing how stupid it was to create a sex tape, because I have absolutely no sympathy, and wish she would disappear into the dark hole of anonymity—or move to Bahrain, right next door to Michael Jackson.

If I had wanted a "Good Morning" so repugnant and depressing, I’d have gone out for an Egg McMuffin.

Britney Spears Teaches Course in Car Seat Safety

By now you have probably heard about the latest drama in the Spears/Federline household. Typically, I wouldn’t waste my precious blog space on them, but I can’t let the latest display of utter stupidity go by without ranting about someone so high profile and influential to other inexperienced, naive, learning impaired young parents.

Yesterday, Britney Spears was photographed allegedly driving her honking big SUV with her baby on her lap. While it is not fair to judge someone on the basis of alleged actions, we could do some pretending and look at the incident from Spears’ position in the driver’s seat.

Now, imagine you’re inside of a honking big SUV, and you’re worried about a crowd of people armed with cameras, but you still took the time to wait for your bodyguard to show up with your nonfat venti strawberry crème Frappuccino. Why wouldn’t you also take the time to lock your doors, and give the paparazzi a nice shot of your trunk while you strapped baby safely into the car seat? Moreover, why didn’t the bodyguard, a person that Spears pays to protect her and her children, to whom I’ll give the benefit of the doubt in assuming that he is a fully functional, mentally stable adult, suggest the aforementioned course of action to her?

It’s easy to blame aggressive paparazzi, but wouldn’t driving away in a car while you are freaking out be even more dangerous for the precious innocent baby in your lap? And if Spears was so concerned for her safety why is the car window partially open?

So in review, two adults are in a car with a baby and because there are scary people taking pictures outside, they allegedly flee instead of pausing to put the baby in the car seat.

Spears is not even wearing her own seat belt. She can’t even pretend that her palates-toned left arm and motherly love would save them in a collision. Which, trust 50 state governments, it is not safe to hold a baby on your lap and drive.

Cursed Tongue's Top Ten Media Whores of 2005

1. Bob Dylan--From folk music legend to underwear ads. I’ve never seen credibility die so quickly, and on a stage full of scantily clad Victoria Secrets Angels, nonetheless. Would anyone care to go with me to Starbucks for a venti decaf nonfat caramel macchiato and a small piece of Dylan’s soul?

2. Gwyneth Paltrow--Estee Lauder is trying to pass her off as someone who loves the simple pleasures of life. Growing up in a selective, private school, being briefly engaged to Brad Pitt and winning an Academy Award for Shakespeare in Love, the stupidest movie of all time, how else would she live other than modestly? I thought the women on The View had cornered the market on pretending to be ordinary, everyday people.

Paltrow is quoted as saying, "Years ago, endorsing a product was considered something an actress shouldn't do. Now it's almost like a status symbol." No, it’s still something you should go to Japan to do. We have enough pretty, twig-figures on television without adding a rich and famous stick-insect who wants us to believe we can enjoy life’s simple pleasures by plunking down $90 for .25 ounces of Parfum.

3. Tom Cruise--“Jumping jack-ass. He’s a gas, gas, gas!” If I were Oprah, there’d be no way I’d let that overexcited puppy back on my couch. Note to Cruise: Usually, when people fall in love, they don’t feel they have to go on national television to prove it. Also, they don't usually have their beloved stalked by a Scientologist.

4. Julia Roberts--Deserves scorn simply for acting as spokesperson for AOL, the ISP of the Damned, but receives extra kudos for whoring out her newborns on the cover of People magazine.

5. Ty Pennington--He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere! Is there anything this model turned handy-hunk won’t advertise?

6. Martha Stewart—The Apprentice mentorships as community service? I think not.

7. Paris Hilton—How do I whore thee? Let me count the ways...

8. Brad Pitt--Proves you don’t have to do a commercial to be a media whore, you just have to date one.

9. Angelina Jolie--Hopefully, she realizes that children are people and not collectable accessories.

10. Brittany Spears--If one baby doesn’t boost your career and save your marriage to a man who’s already an absentee Dad, maybe two will do the trick.

Cursed Tongue Quest for a Career

Reasons Why I’d be a Bad Teacher:

• The snot line—there’s no human wainscoting that can protect me from nasty green kiddie boogers.
• Science-time fun: “Who’s your real Daddy?”
• No man or woman should be charged with raising 30 kids (It’s not humanly possible for one monogamous couple to have that many. File that under “Things Nature Got Right.”)
• They’re taking away recess and the cushy summer vacation. (Note to state DOEs: more time molding Jaden’s butt in that little plastic seat isn’t going to make him/her do better on state exams. It should be “No child left on their behinds.”)
• Parents convinced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their child even though he/she is head butting the walls.
• Parents that want something to be wrong with their child so they can get free special services.
• Biters.
• Extracurricular activities moderation. Don’t those kids have homes?

Recommendation Time:

“Gee, it’s really nice that Kayla idolizes Brittany Spears, but do you really think a four-year-old should be wearing stilettos to school?”

"My recommendation is that you take little Jacob’s college fund and buy a spa, because no amount of education will enable him to be a contributing member of society."

"You better pray that Hannah isn't one of those kids that looks cute when she's four, but turns into the Elephant man as she gets older--because she's going to need to get by on her looks."

"Sure Ethan is bright. But in my opinion, your lack of interest in parenting has him on the fast track to torturing small animals. In ten years, who knows, he may have a career that rivals that of Jeffrey Dahmer."


Ok, I know you wiseacres out there are thinking, “Why don’t you teach older kids?” Because there is nothing you can do to fix those kids. By then the parents have unleashed and cemented their child’s inner psychopath. Brave Teachers of America, I salute you.