What's Your Damage?

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

What's Your Damage?

Glassholes

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Glassholes

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Bearing Witless, Part 2

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Bearing Witless, Part 2

Cursed Tongue Guide to Getting Out of Jury Duty

• Don’t respond to the summons. The rate of return for a jury summons is 80%. Responses to a summons can trigger further calls to serve in court. Because why wouldn’t the government punish people for doing what they’re supposed to? And let jury shirkers fanny about the U. S. of A. as if this was some kind of free country or something.
• Whine about supporting 4 imaginary children while your imaginary wife works imaginary 13-hour shifts.
• When they ask if anyone knows the defendant, lean forward, squint at him and say, “Daddy?”
• Complain loudly about resenting the entire judicial system.
• Exclaim, “What?” or “Could you repeat that?” to any question.
• Claim that you believe the defendant must be guilty or he/she wouldn’t be in court—even after the judge has explained how the U.S. judicial system works for the 17th time.
• Wear clothing described on the on-line jury FAQ as inappropriate, such as a halter-top or pajamas and fuzzy slippers.
• Do your best impression of Pauly Shore from his immortal classic, Jury Duty.
• Join the Army. (Warning: Deployment to Iraq may be worse than serving jury duty.)
• Bring your knitting. Make sure the yarn is pink and the word “Defendant” is embroidered on your project.
• Contract a debilitating medical disorder that will not allow you to sit in a courtroom for 2 hours at a time.
• Plan a non-refundable vacation to Fiji for the day after the summons.
• Say, “I don’t know why, but I just think he looks guilty.”
• Declare that you have spiritual objections to passing judgment on another. Bring your Whole Foods bag and patchouli cologne. (Warning: It’s possible that the defense attorney may be hoping for a hung jury, and a contentious objector is the answer to his prayers.)
• Remove your shoelace and tie it into a noose. Play with it.
• Moan, whine and complain whenever the Judge or attorneys address you.
• Don’t be Cursed Tongue.

Warning: these tips are for entertainment purposes only. Jury Duty is the civic duty of every American. Cursed Tongue and its affiliates are not responsible for any prosecution or fines resulting from evasion of jury duty. Also, Cursed Tongue is not responsible for actions of people who take jury duty seriously, therefore resent jury shirkers, and hunt them down with shanks made from jury badges, water bottles and courthouse cafeteria burgers.

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Bearing Witless, Part 1

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Bearing Witless, Part 1

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Jury Selection

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Adventures in Jurisimprudence: Jury Selection

Hello, Creepy Stranger!

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Hello, Creepy Stranger!

Property Values Continue to Plummet

Permanently Checked Out

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Permanently Checked Out

Snookie's Avenger

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Snookie's Avenger

Signs That You Might Be an Idiot Dog-Owner:

• You bought your dog at the mall.
• You still feed your dog “wet” canned food.
• You don’t know that there are dog seatbelt harnesses on the market.
• You’ve never been to the ASPCA website to read their publication “A Poison Safe Home.”
• Your dog is too stupid to be house trained.
• You blame the dog for eating the paper plate covered in pizza grease that you left on your TV tray.
• Your dog’s favorite activity is ripping up garbage bags so that your neighbors are constantly picking up tiny piece of gnawed black plastic that fly into their yards.
• You don’t wash your dog’s bowls every day.
• You let your dog poop anywhere and leave it as a monument to your thoughtless vulgarity.
• You chose a dog of a particular breed because you thought it was “cute.”
• You chose a Siberian Husky because you like the movie Snow Dogs.
• You ever leave your dog crated without water.
• You dog barks incessantly in the middle of the night and you don’t do anything about it.
• The police come to your house because a neighbor was concerned about your dog being outside in 100-degree weather without any water.
• You do two or more of the above and you’re thinking of getting a second dog.

This Is Not a Threat

Doesn’t the Second Amendment Cover This?

Oh the shame and humiliation of making the national news. I would rather some whackjob had tried to blow up the Chandler Home Depot again. But no. We have to face public humiliation for having the world’s dumbest school administrators. They work at Payne Junior High, which is part of Chandler Unified School District.

Last week a 13 year-old student of Payne Junior High was suspended for 5 days as the result of doodling a gun on an assignment. According to the school he violated their “No Tolerance” gun policy. Parents of the child spoke with administrators, who agreed to reduce the sentence to 3 days.

Paula Mosteller, mother of the child, cannot believe that her son was suspended for sketching a gun. She said, "I just can't believe that there wasn't another way to resolve this." Administrators have filed the sketch of the gun in her child’s Permanent Record. They would not release it, even for the ogling pleasure of public. They also declined to explain why the sketch was viewed as a threat.

My theory is that the Principal of Payne Junior High, who is ultimately responsible for the 3-day suspension, upon accepting her position stuffed a knitting needle up her nose and scrambled her brains until the resulting bloody gray goo ran out onto her sensible 1-inch pumps. That is the only possible explanation for absentmindedly handing down suspensions in the name of “No Tolerance.”

The school administration is not commenting on the story. There might be a piece of the missing puzzle. But why then, would administrators not have told the Mostellers, who appear to be baffled by the overreaction of the school to what can’t possibly be the first gun sketch to enter its hallowed halls.

If it were my kid, I’d have school administrators in court faster than they could say ACLU. Perfectly normal, nice children draw pictures of guns and tanks and Serbian Death Squads. These violent drawings are not indicative of a child’s intention to commit violence. They are indicative of a gun-obsessed culture and the highly impressionable nature of children.

Incidentally, the East Valley also contains the world’s dumbest news team. ABC affiliate, KNXV, told viewers that a child was suspended for “drawing a gun.” They neglected to add “on a piece of paper,” until about 30 seconds into the story.

Humidity Bites

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Humidity Bites

If You Really Loved Those Cats, They'd Live In Your House

Rich Mouse, Poor Mouse

When I moved to Chandler, I was surprised by the diversity of the neighborhoods. There are palatial mansions within a few blocks of dumpy trailer parks. The impoverished pockets of tiny, poorly insulated houses and sad discount stores are a glaring contrast to the gated subdivisions and posh strip malls.

Chandler’s proximity to Phoenix made it attractive to a lot of people during the housing boom in the Valley. The economically challenged were here when the financially enhanced showed up. There doesn’t seem to be any noise about weeding out trailer parks and scaring discount grocery stores and cash advance businesses out of town. Or if there is, it can’t be heard above the shouts to keep out a chemical company that employs animal testing or the demands to keep a waste transfer station from being built next to a public park.

On the other side of the Valley, plans to build a transitional housing facility are provoking objections from local residents. The Phoenix City Council approved plans for the Southwest Leadership Foundation’s proposed transitional housing to assist homeless families in acquiring employment and establishing a residence. In an area already beleaguered by crime, residents worry that the influx of poor single mothers and their children will increase problems.

Similarly disinclined to sharing the neighborhood with those struggling to make a living, Disneyland is suing Anaheim over a proposed complex of subsidized apartments. Disney pays hundreds of park employees so little that the majority of them must commute, because they can’t afford to live in Anaheim. Disney has set their attack lawyers on the city to stop the development that would certainly benefit some of their so-called “cast members.” They claim that any housing development would be inappropriate for the area, which had to be rezoned. It used to be zoned for tourism-related business.

The contested area adjoins property that Disney owns and plans to build its third Anaheim attraction on. Apparently, the poor are good enough to go through the service entrance to operate park rides, assemble chilidogs and scrape gum off the sidewalk. But they are not good enough to be neighbors. Heaven forbid someone who spends the day wearing a 60-pound mouse costume in the relentless California sun should have a short commute.

In related news regarding disdain for the socioeconomic underclass, early Thursday morning Paris Hilton was released from prison and allowed to finish the remainder of her sentence under house arrest, due to an undisclosed medical condition. Because there are plenty of people with serious medical conditions in jail, my money is on a rare and debilitating allergy to poor people.

Despite a theoretical increase in crime or a possible allergic reaction, I would trade subsided housing for a waste transfer station as a neighbor faster than a celebrity heiress can say “Ankle bracelet.” These examples of shunning the fiscally depleted and the residentially challenged and deficient are stifling the very efforts meant to give them a boost. The attitude that the homeless and those living below the poverty line will go away if you don’t feed them is about as insightful and realistic as trying to keep illegal immigrants out of the U.S. with 2,000 miles of steel fence. Especially when we could easily get rid of poor neighbors by helping them prosper.

The Wheezy City

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

The Wheezy City

Signless Spring

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Signless Spring

Toasted

On March 9th a Chandler man drove to a nearby Wal-Mart to purchase a fire extinguisher because his toaster oven was on fire. The man set his toaster oven on fire while drying the Methamphetamines he was manufacturing.

The man attempted to douse the flames with water and was unsuccessful. Presumably the 19 year-old did not want to bring the authorities in the matter, as he was whipping up a batch of Meth and also in possession of marijuana.

While the man was absent from his endangered condo the sprinkler system was triggered and stifled the flames. Altering the authorities to the fire, and making him the lucky winner of a fabulous vacation in a concrete cell without a view, courtesy of Maricopa County.

Part of the punishment for crimes like this one should be sterilization. This man shouldn’t be responsible for the care of a Chia Pet let alone a human being.

Tune in Wednesday for a special Cursed Tongue Guide to Surviving a Toaster Oven Fire.

Chalking