The funny disease.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Disgruntled Depot

It has recently come to my attention that a massive whack-job wreaking havoc in my very own community has escaped under the radar of most of the self-involved U.S. Apparently, a Home Depot employee drove through the doors at the front of the Chandler, AZ branch of that home improvement store, nearly hitting a colleague. Ali Warrayat then turned down the aisle and drove to his old station at the paint department where he set either the car or the paint on fire in the hopes that the entire store would go up in flames. He fled the store, but then waited for the police at the curb, probably next to the Snack Shack of Questionable Cleanliness. He was hoping to be either killed or deported, according to news articles.

Reports conflict on whether the man is “a Jordan native” or “originally from Kuwait,” and despite claims that he is probably from somewhere in the general vicinity of the Middle East, there was little talk of terrorism. It made me wonder if this was the act of someone from a terrorist group. The local authorities stated that he was not part of a bigger conspiracy to shut down the home improvement industry in the U.S., but who is to say that there wasn’t a shady government cover-up? As suggested by someone who obviously knows from crazy, Joseph Farah.

Warrayat allegedly set the fire because he was upset at the latest plan to solve the illegal immigration problem, which is to build a really, really long wall on our Southern border. I like to call the juvenile attempt to defend our country by excluding new sources of cheap labor the Chicken Wire Curtain. The contractor with the honor of building the Chicken Wire Curtain (if the plan passes through Congress like so many other legislative turds) will certainly be the one that bids the lowest, and will probably be using illegal immigrants for the installation of said immigrant exclusion filter. Talk about letting the chickens guard the hen house! Of course, that wasn’t the sole reason that Ali Warrayat decided that it was a good idea to burn down Home Depot, also, he was upset that he didn’t get a big enough raise. Which begs the question, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

I believe the answer lies in the fact that no terrorist organization stepped forward to claim Warrayat as their own, and to denounce the Home Depot as a bastion of capitalist excess and infidel repairs. Also, he struck before the store was opened, so obviously he was unconcerned with taking a large number of godless Americans with him. Although he was allegedly hoping for a massive explosion, it seems that Warrayat was just a lone crazy. Need more proof than that? It seems that this quiet, hard worker was supposedly planning he revenge on Home Depot for a few days, and without the help of anyone who might be even a little sane. He packed his car for the trip down Crackpot Lane with items that included a Palestinian flag, a copy of the Koran, a cat and his uncle’s pit bull. Apparently, he attempted to put the pit bull into the trunk with the Koran, and it didn’t want to go into the trunk it was because dogs are filthy animals (according to the beliefs of Islam) and it didn’t want to be near the Koran. Otherwise, I’m sure the pit bull would have been happy to go into the trunk. You might be wondering, what’s with the dog and cat? I believe the only answer available is: See, *crazy.* Once arrested, Warrayat called a press conference, at which he answered no questions, choosing instead to make faces and grunt at the camera.

Sweetface and I were in our local Home Depot a meager three days after the incident. We planned to buy blinds so I could take down our lovely modular packing paper curtains. There seemed to be a door missing, and the merchandise was disorganized, with ceiling fans on the floor in a blocked off aisle, but otherwise the Home Depot appeared to be pretty much the way it had been. The paint department didn’t look as if it had been ground zero.

To our dismay, there was no one in the window treatment department, and upon asking someone in the kitchen cabinet department we found out that the only one who could operate the blind cutter had not shown up for work, or even called. Perhaps it isn’t fair for me to judge, but the police have the Chicken-Wire-Fence-hating, caught-on-video-surveillance, alleged arsonist in custody so there was no reason not to be there to cut our vertical blinds to order. We had to return to our new favorite place to shop in the whole wide world the next day and watch Home Depot Barbie receive training in blind-cutting. Which goes to show that Barbie really can do anything, alleged act of terrorism or no.

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5 Comments:

Blogger KyuBall said...

After reading this story, I'm never shopping at Home Depot again.

Not because I'm worried that there will be a terrorist attack...no.

Any home improvement store that can't fix a little smoke and fire damage and be fully up and running in two days, doesn't know shit about home improvement. I mean, c'mon, it's cutting blinds, all you do is put the blinds in a machine and press a green button, a paraplegic monkey could do that!

Still...the dog and cat thing are pretty fucked up.

1/18/2006 8:50 PM

 
Blogger Chuckles said...

While we are bashing big chains.

WalMart is baaaaad. They want to destroy public education in America.

Best Buy suuuuucks. They only hire three moronic sixteen year olds to run each store.

1/19/2006 3:01 PM

 
Blogger Sarah Letnes said...

At our Best Buy I typically count at least five sixteen-year-old morons. There must be an idiot labor shortage where you live. May Arizona should start exporting them.

1/20/2006 8:45 AM

 
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

That assmaster was just a nut job. I saw the jail house interview that never was. We should deport him – drop his ass in the middle of the Sarah and he can do a walk for allah. Heck, we could even give him a new pair of Koran sandals and a bag of pork rinds.

I also thought it was funny that he said the dog was filthy, an interesting comment coming from a society that has a big fear of soap and water and uses their desert as a dump.

1/22/2006 10:00 PM

 
Blogger Sarah Letnes said...

I hope you meant Sahara, because we have enough crazy at my house. Or so says Sweetface.

1/23/2006 11:19 AM

 

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