Cursed Tongue Guide to Getting Out of Jury Duty

• Don’t respond to the summons. The rate of return for a jury summons is 80%. Responses to a summons can trigger further calls to serve in court. Because why wouldn’t the government punish people for doing what they’re supposed to? And let jury shirkers fanny about the U. S. of A. as if this was some kind of free country or something.
• Whine about supporting 4 imaginary children while your imaginary wife works imaginary 13-hour shifts.
• When they ask if anyone knows the defendant, lean forward, squint at him and say, “Daddy?”
• Complain loudly about resenting the entire judicial system.
• Exclaim, “What?” or “Could you repeat that?” to any question.
• Claim that you believe the defendant must be guilty or he/she wouldn’t be in court—even after the judge has explained how the U.S. judicial system works for the 17th time.
• Wear clothing described on the on-line jury FAQ as inappropriate, such as a halter-top or pajamas and fuzzy slippers.
• Do your best impression of Pauly Shore from his immortal classic, Jury Duty.
• Join the Army. (Warning: Deployment to Iraq may be worse than serving jury duty.)
• Bring your knitting. Make sure the yarn is pink and the word “Defendant” is embroidered on your project.
• Contract a debilitating medical disorder that will not allow you to sit in a courtroom for 2 hours at a time.
• Plan a non-refundable vacation to Fiji for the day after the summons.
• Say, “I don’t know why, but I just think he looks guilty.”
• Declare that you have spiritual objections to passing judgment on another. Bring your Whole Foods bag and patchouli cologne. (Warning: It’s possible that the defense attorney may be hoping for a hung jury, and a contentious objector is the answer to his prayers.)
• Remove your shoelace and tie it into a noose. Play with it.
• Moan, whine and complain whenever the Judge or attorneys address you.
• Don’t be Cursed Tongue.

Warning: these tips are for entertainment purposes only. Jury Duty is the civic duty of every American. Cursed Tongue and its affiliates are not responsible for any prosecution or fines resulting from evasion of jury duty. Also, Cursed Tongue is not responsible for actions of people who take jury duty seriously, therefore resent jury shirkers, and hunt them down with shanks made from jury badges, water bottles and courthouse cafeteria burgers.

Cursed Tongue Guide to Surviving a Toaster Oven Fire

The key to surviving a toaster oven fire is to be prepared for disaster. Every house/apartment/meth lab should have a fire extinguisher rated for flammable liquid fires, and electrical fires.

• Don’t be surprised that your smoke alarm didn’t go off when the kitchen is full of smoke just because it goes off every time you make toast
• Don’t Panic
• Don’t open the toaster oven door
• Don’t pour water on the fire
• Don’t pour Windex on the fire
• Don’t drive to the Wal-Mart

1. Unplug the toaster oven
2. Get the fire extinguisher
3. Read the instructions on the extinguisher, which you should have read before you went anywhere near the toaster oven
4. Point the fire extinguisher at the toaster oven
5. Follow the instructions on your fire extinguisher
6. If the toaster oven has stopped burning skip to step 9
   
7. If there are still flames licking the toaster oven, call the fire department
8. Leave the area, wait for fire department
   
9. Spend five hours cursing yourself for not setting the timer while you clean up the fine potassium bicarbonate powder off of every surface in your kitchen, including ones you didn’t even realize you had
10. Open windows to air out the space
11. Place bowls filled with vinegar on the counters to mitigate the smell of smoke
12. Now you can drive to Wal-Mart for a new toaster oven and fire extinguisher

What To Do If You Bought Your Wife a Retractable Laptop Mouse at the Intel Gift Shop Yesterday

You messed up big time. Yesterday, you realized, by the talk about restaurant reservations what day it was. Valentine’s Day. Some inexplicably unromantic part of your male brain told you it was a good idea to go to the gift shop that happens to be in the building where you work

You get there and see that the Valentine’s merchandise has been picked over. There is a singing, dancing gorilla that doesn’t do anything when you press the button, a couple of cards that say “Happy Valentine’s Day, Grandmother,” and the usual Intel paraphernalia and office supplies. Maybe it’s Valentine’s panic that inflicts you with temporary idiocy. You know you’re in trouble, and you could still stop at Target for slippers, but for some reason you think it’s a good idea to buy a retractable laptop mouse.

Your wife has a laptop. She would love a retractable mouse to go with it. I’m sure she practically swooned when she peered into the plastic shopping bag to reveal a treasure trove of cheap electronics. The disappointed look on her face makes you think that you should have gone with the broken love monkey. But what you should have done was spend some time thinking of a thoughtful gift.

It is not punishment enough that you slept on the couch last night. You will most definitely be getting the silent treatment from anywhere to 24 to the next 72 hours.

Your wife will never forget that you couldn’t even be bothered to stop at the grocery store for roses that would expire within 12 hours of being charged to your Visa, you big spender, you. You’ve created ammunition for your wife in arguments for years to come. You will have forgotten all about this Valentine’s Day and will find yourself in an argument where she claims you don’t pay enough attention to her, and she will pull the story of the time you went to the company gift shop to get her a Valentine’s present.

Then she’ll bring up the year you brought home Valentine’s wiper blades. And you think she’s done, but she brings up that teddy you bought her that was not only something you saw in a Britney Spears video, but also two sizes too large. By now you’re singing the Meow Mix theme song in your head, because you just can’t take it anymore.

Save yourself from a laundry list of horribly thoughtless gifts. You could have gotten a CD from a favorite band, a book from a favorite author. You could have schlepped to the mall and bought her a box of See’s candy. But it’s too late now. You’re in for make-up jewelry, and it better not be Wal-mart jewelry.

Cursed Tongue Guide to Divining Movie Suckage

You really don’t need a Magic 8 Ball and Ouji board to contact Gene Siskel to predict movie suckage. All you need to separate the theatrical wheat from the schlock is this handy list of questions, and a movie trailer. Also, it probably helps if you already know that WWE Raw is make-believe.

Are the blurbs in the trailer:

• From magazines that don’t exist?
  
• From Wireless magazine?
• From KSUX Small Time Local Affiliate in Podunk, ID?
• One word? (The critic could have said “Fantastic flop,” which becomes “Fantastic!” in the hands of advertisers.)
• Invaded by ellipses?
• Punctuated with multiple exclamation points? (Serious news outlets frown on the use of any exclamation point, multiple points are for 12 year-old-girls and movie advertisers. If an Ebert quote contains an exclamation point, you can rest assured that advertisers inserted it.)

Does the movie trailer:

• Consist of a hypnotic jumble of flashing scenes that leave you feeling like you were just subliminally punked?
• Make as much sense as Tom Cruise being heterosexual?
• Contain interviews from the actors about how great the movie is?
• Contain interviews from people on the street, who obviously walked out of the theater dazed from viewing 90 minutes of a movie so horrible it amounts to emotional torture? (Movie night in Gitmo features classic Rob Schneider, or Pauly Shore flicks. Don’t tell me that kind of torture isn’t covered by the Geneva Convention.)
• Tout the film as “The best movie of the year,” and it is January?
• Tout the film as the “Most popular comedy/drama/PowerPoint presentation of the summer,” and it is May?
• Compare the movie to a good movie? (“It’s as magical as the Wizard of Oz.” And the film stars CG robotic cows.)
• Describe the film as Movie X meets Movie Y? (It’s Sound of Music meets The Godfather.)

General Questions:

• Does the movie contain a bizarre time warp plot and Keanu Reeves?
• Is the movie a sequel staring a rough-looking Stallone, who seems to insist on writing/directing movies until the Rocky and Rambo franchises rival the Police Academy movies for sequels?
• Is the movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan, and it’s not The Sixth Sense?
• Did the movie go direct to video?
• Is the title of the movie Snakes on a Plane?
• Is it a war movie with a chick in it? (Because according to The Phosgene Kid all war movies with chicks in them suck.)

If you answer yes to any of these questions the chances of movie suckage are 50%. Yes to two questions and the chances of suckage are 80%. Three or more yeses raise the odds of movie suckage to 99.9%.

Cursed Tongue’s Guide to Dressing for TV Court Shows

It seems that the universe thinks that the Cursed Tongue is spending a little too much time watching day time TV, and is worried that I am this close to tuning into QVC, because last week I received a jury summons.

Am I pathetic for being excited about a jury summons, or what?

In preparation for said jury duty I have been viewing judge shows. (It’s still day time TV, I realize, but it’s okay since it's research.) And it seems that many litigants are confused as to how they should dress when bringing their case before the court. If a talk show host is ever in need of a makeover victim, they need only watch a judge show.

In my limited experience with the law, it seems to me that one would want to make a good impression on the judge. And court being a solemn and business-like venue, it seems more than appropriate to wear a sensible accountant-type business suit.

The first thing the judge notices about people before them is what they are wearing. But there is no end of T-shirts, sparkly-to-distraction vests, team jerseys, fringed-leather disasters, and furiously warped blind-knitter sweaters. (It’s really nice of people to keep the blind-knitter employed, but I don’t think even they would be offended if you decided not to wear their sweaters in front of millions of TV viewers. Besides, how would they know if you didn’t?)

In one episode of Judge Judy I saw a girl wearing what I swear was nylon slip. At first I thought she may have been making a fashion statement, but once she opened her mouth I knew immediately that she had simply forgotten to put on her dress. And while TV judges are intelligent enough not to let their impression of someone keep them from carrying out the law, I don’t know why anyone would want to start off on the wrong foot by wearing the hideous, painfully fashionable, brand spanking new outfit they bought especially for their appearance on national TV.

I once had a roommate who judged people by their shoes. Now, generally I frown on this kind of behavior, but I think it is stupid for someone to walk into a court situation in a tube top and neon pink vinyl mini skirt. A person like that is simply broadcasting that they are only in court for their 15 minutes, and probably did key their ex-boyfriend’s car and are certain that by wearing something flashy and inappropriate that Hollywood will discover them.


Court Show Apparel Dos and Don’ts

Do Wear:

• A suit or khakis or a skirt with a blouse or button-down shirt
• No more than 3 accessories
• Wear a size that fits you
• Something comfortable that won’t make you fidget (There’s nothing like fidgeting to make someone look guilty.)
• Solid colors (A pattern that looks perfectly normal in real life could play tricks on the eye once it has been televised. The loyal viewers of the People’s Court might be hypnotized by the dancing stripes on a what may otherwise be a reasonable tie.)
• A flattering color

Don’t Wear:

• T-shirt
• Jeans
• Anything sleeveless
• Pajamas
• Anything that could be pajamas
• Anything that could be mistaken for underwear or swimwear
• Jewelry bigger than your fist
• Sweats
• Team jerseys
• Animal prints
• Excessive faux fur
• Fringe
• Neon
• Feathers
• Plaid
• Anything sparkly
• Sequins
• Sneakers
• Flip-flops
• Any outfit you might regret reliving on the videocassette

As a final guard against a courtroom fashion blunder, ask yourself, “Have I seen this outfit on Britney Spears?” If the answer is yes, do not wear the clothing in question.

Cursed Tongue Guide to Valentine’s Day

While I’m sure that the male gender is not completely stocked up on hopeless mooks incapable of coming up with something romantic for this Valentine’s Day, this is addressed to men, because we’re only kidding ourselves if we pretend Valentine’s Day is for anyone other than chicks. I hear some of you saying, “It’s Valentine’s Day already?” Don’t panic, you have two weeks. And I know you didn’t all forget. Statistically, that would be highly improbable.

Now before you accuse me of being overly romantic, I must say that my idea of a special evening with my sweetheart is not being jammed into a crowded restaurant--resulting in an earsplitting din and an over-taxed wait staff, most of whom would rather be out with their honeys than schlepping prime rib, and pushing Southwestern Eggrolls while watching deeply in-love patrons drool all over each other. It seems my tastes differ from the vast majority on what they’d rather be doing on the most romantic greeting card holiday on the calendar.

I much prefer a romantic meal at home and unless you make your reservations quickly, it’s either that or taking you chances on the big night that someone comes out of their love-induced stupor and cancels. Taking chances on V Day could land you and your well-dressed (and possibly ticked-off) date at a lovely florescent-lit table for two at the Chick-fil-A. If you can cook, and I would suggest take out if you can’t, most women would be impressed by the thoughtfulness of a romantic dinner. Don’t worry about getting too fussy; think simple and delicious. A romantic dinner should be about spending time with your date, not about stirring gravy so it doesn’t clump.

Note: A romantic dinner that you make loses all of its charm if you let her do the dishes.

Although many contend that Hallmark created the capitalist feeding frenzy that is now Valentine’s Day, I would argue that they had a lot of help. Not only from other retailers, but also from single women who wake up in cold sweats from nightmares about dying alone and being eaten by wild dogs. If you don’t get the love of your life a gift on Valentine’s Day you might as well rip the bag of Conversation Hearts out of her hands and grind them into the cement. So, what do you get that special woman in your life?

Some chicks leave hints. She might say something like, “I really like Tuvan throat singing.” It might be a hint for a gift. If there’s a catalog on your night-table with something circled, that is definitely her special way of telling you “Hey you, Mook! Buy me that!”

Other chicks expect you to read their minds. I know that you suspected that all along, but here it is in writing, in a semi-permanent format. Feel free to print it out if you like. Unfortunately, the psychic abilities of men are wildly exaggerated. You have to either pay close attention to a woman’s likes and dislikes, or outright ask her. Sweetface finds it helpful to have me make a wish list. That way he still has a little latitude and if I don’t like a gift, it was my own fault.

There is a large subset of non-hinting women that will say, “I don’t need anything,” or “All I want is world peace.” Don’t let them get away with that crap. World peace is way too much to expect of any one person. The only thing Mom ever wants is, “A happy family.” And who gets to help Dad pick out gifts for her? It certainly isn’t my hopeless mook of a brother. (Of course, I suppose she could really be asking that we all start taking Zoloft. I should probably clarify that with her.) If you know such a woman, it might be a good idea to contact a friend of hers, or a female family member and ask for gift advice. If you live with such a woman, just look around at her possessions. I am not giving permission to go through her underwear drawer! You probably won’t have to go far to find the fire hazard curling iron or the bathrobe that appears to be molting.

Lingerie
Lingerie (by which I mean anything see-through, skimpy, strappy, gartered or crotchless) is not a gift for her. It is a selfish Homer gift. When buying loungewear for a woman, (i.e. pajamas, robes, slippers) think cozy and soft, not sexy and itchy. Cozy typically means coverage, but unless you’ve seen her snuggle up in a full-body fleece potato sack, it’s safe to assume that she doesn’t want anything that falls into the muumuu category. While the above paragraph is perfectly legible to any woman, I have tried to clarify it, and I realize that it may still be confusing as to what I mean, exactly. Which brings us to an important tip: whatever you buy ask for a gift receipt.

Candy
Candy can be a good Valentine’s gift for a woman you’ve recently met, or that you’ve been married to for 25 years, but giving candy can still be tricky. Most women do like chocolates, but still may look at a 2-pound box of See’s Soft Centers and see 2 pounds of unsightly thigh fat. If your sweetie complains about her weight or is dieting, do not buy her candy. Warning: Don’t ever buy low-fat, low-carb or sugarless candy for a Valentine’s Day gift. (Unless she’s diabetic and sugar might kill her.) You might as well get out the indelible marker and mirror-write “Lard Butt” on her forehead.

For those women who don’t love chocolate (I actually know one of these mysterious creatures and she’s only the pickiest eater in the history of picky eaters), there are many non-chocolate Valentine’s candy options. There were at least three pink aisles last time I was at Target, there must have been plenty of non-chocolate there--if you’re a soon-to-be-lonely cheapskate.

Flowers
Many women are thrilled at the prospect of the gift of flowers. I’m sure any flower courier will tell you that women light up, like the string of pink hearts your significant other hung in your window, when they pass with an enormous bouquet. Flowers can be pricy. But keep in mind, that you aren’t just paying for a bunch of smelly plants when you buy flowers. You’re paying for the artful arrangement of the flowers and prompt delivery. Grocery store flowers can be okay, but are typically not a match for flowers from a florist.

But even a florist might suspect you are a hopeless mook and try to pass off foliage that’s a little past its sell by date. So if you go that route, look carefully at the flowers, there should be no wilting or drying and the bottoms of the stems should be cut cleanly and white in the center. Or you could order from one of the major on-line florists. I have had good experiences with them.

Still a Mook?
Still stumped? Get out the “Honey Do” list and do that thing she’s been nagging you to do forever. You know the one. Don’t think of it as the gift of capitulation, think of it as the gift of a healthy and balanced relationship, in which, the woman in your life doesn’t feel like choking you every time she looks at the crooked screen door or passes the shelves you were supposed to put up.

Cursed Tongue Guide to Tightwad Gift-Giving

Happy Black Friday!

It’s once again that special time of year when you have to not only see people that you’ve been avoiding all year, but put down cash money to give the gift of, “Oh, isn’t that lovely?” I hear that the going rate for proving your love to family members at Christmas is $50. If we’ve learned anything from the myriad of Christmas Carol rip-offs, it’s that Christmas is about much more than buying the affection of others, unless you’re rich, like Ebenezer. Then you better fork over or people will just think that you’re trying to take it with you. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if Bill Gates can manage it, but I think it will be a while before that camel tries passing through the needle.

If you can’t be Bigspender Moneybags, you don’t need to accumulate rib-crushing debt to show that your loved ones that you care. For those of you who still don’t seem to get it, credit card companies are not really doing you a favor by carrying your balance month to month. They are charging you interest. Eventually, the Hickory Farms gift basket you charged in order to impress your in-laws will cost you as much as new condo. Trust me, that doesn’t mean you should have bought them the condo in the first place.

Thoughtfulness is your best bet if you can’t throw cash at the gift problem. Anyone can give Aunt Gertrud a big screen TV, but who would think of getting her the slipper socks that she always wanted. What is your giftee interested in? What are his/her hobbies? Conversations that may have bored you to tears at the Thanksgiving table may have held valuable clues to giving someone something they may accidentally like. You have to pay attention; did Grandpa using an electric knife that you’re pretty sure was a prototype to carve the turkey yesterday?

I was at my Grandma’s house one day, sitting in her recliners when a spring bit me on the ass. Now, there was no way I could afford to buy new chairs on my own, which brings me to my next tip: Go in on gifts with others. I passed the idea along to family members and luckily my cousin, the Honorable Super Organizer Wonder Woman in the family took charge of all of the plans. (So I got out of that one. Teehee.) We divvied up the cost of the chairs, and Grandma and Grandpa got comfy recliners that they seem to enjoy.

If you have lots of giftees spread all over the country sometimes it’s cheaper to mail order an item and have it shipped to its final destination. Or you could move by your Mom and she can send all of your gifts along with hers.

If your budget isn’t too tight, you may want to check out sending a caseload of something that the givee loves. For many things this is not as cost prohibitive as it sounds, and it will have a big impact on the recipient. My parents once got a caseload of Pirate’s Booty for a reasonable sum, and they shipped it for free. Just make sure that it’s something that has a shelf life similar to that of Twinkies. Or you could get boxes of nostalgia candy for under $20. I’m sure that any older relative would love to sink their dentures into a sweet piece of Bit-o-Honey. If you’re visiting them for Christmas, candy has the added benefit keeping people quiet for a while.

I learned something recently that was frankly, kind of surprising. Toys are cheap. It seemed that last time I was paying attention to that kind of thing they were expensive. At first I thought it was merely the change in my perception that came about from earning more than $10 a month. But through various pieces of information that have come my way, I’ve learned that toys are, in fact, cheaper then they used to be. The price of plastic fell and manufacturing is also cheaper. I.E. they aren’t paying the Taiwanese children that work in their factories enough so that they are able to buy shoes. If you’re callous enough that barefoot Taiwanese children doesn’t bother you, you could put together a “Forever Young” gift basket for those people in your life who don’t ever seem to grow up. Like your little brother, and his wife. Get a plastic basket, stick in some Silly Putty, a Slinky, some Monkeys in a Barrel, and some candy.

That brings us to the little tykes on your list. Kids are the best people to give gifts to. I once gave a baby cousin a mini bean bag horse for his birthday. It was in my cereal, for all intents and purposes, it was free. And that kid received about a billion presents that day, but darned if he didn’t carry the bean bag horse around with him all day. Just this year the cardboard box was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. I don’t recommend giving a kid a beautifully wrapped empty box, though. It may seem funny at the time, but trust me, you’ll feel like a big jerk.

If you don’t mind stampedes, another good tip is to brave the crowds of Black Friday to get $3.44 DVDs at Wal-Mart, and other such fantastically unpassupable deals. (Okay, I made up a word, but you know what I mean. You try being clever during a tryptophan-induced stupor.) Of course, if you’re sitting around reading this, you’ve probably already missed the best before noon deals, and all of the good stuff is probably gone. Well, you didn’t really want to be trampled by venomous middle-aged women with bargains on their minds.

If you’re still stumped about what to get for someone special on your list, I hear that everybody needs a lint roller. Maybe it was on a web site selling lint rollers, but I don’t feel compelled to argue with that wisdom.