An Evil Laugh a Day, Makes the Children Run Away

Hillary Clinton made a guest appearance on the latest episode of Fox News Sunday, and it seems that she has yet to fire the image coach that talked her into using a painfully contrived Southern accent when she spoke at a church in Selma, Alabama on Bloody Sunday.

The interview with Chris Wallace is peppered with manic, knee-slapping, inappropriately enthusiastic laughter. In another apparent bid to make herself more accessible, Clinton-bot began a few of the questions with forced, bone chilling laughter. The miracle of Botox makes her laugh even more disturbing.

It was a lot like another laugh I heard recently. It was at the Costco, and the laughter came from no mere mortal, but a possessed animatronic witch that defies the authority of the “off” switch.

Furthermore, I think we may have to call PETA in on this one, because I have a horrible feeling that her laughter was coerced by a dedicated campaign worker who was smashing in the heads of tiny marmalade kittens with a tack hammer. And I thought that if any party would stoop to murdering small animals to win an election, it would have been the Republicans.

I would like to suggest, rather than harming any more of god’s creatures, Clinton spend a month waiting tables at the Olive Garden, or picking apples, or actually working as a nurse. Honesty and Integrity don’t come from injections at a plastic surgeon’s office, nor can they be faked by laughing in a way that frightens small children.

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A Tale of Two Accents

To commemorate “Bloody Sunday,” and compete for black voters both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke at churches in Selma, Alabama.

In her speech Hillary Clinton affected a horribly butchered Southern accent. It was so bad, I was surprised when I saw the visual records of her speech she was wearing a real belt instead of a rope, and she was not chewing on a stalk of wheat. She wasn’t even carrying a brown jug with Xs painted on it. Listen for yourself if you think I’m crazy. Her accent was really that bad.

Now, I don’t have any qualms telling Britney Spears she needs a better publicist. If there’s something at which Spears excels it is creating situations that are cries for help. And therefore, she was practically begged for my advice. But Clinton, a lawyer, a politician, a capable woman who was co-President for eight years, a woman who managed to raise a daughter who isn’t an out-of-control mental. I feel uncomfortable advising her. But if she’s going to insist on acting down-homey, and accessible she needs to add a drama coach to her entourage.

It couldn’t possibly be that she fell into a Southern accent because she used to have one. She was born and raised in a rich suburb of Chicago, Illinois. She went on to college in Massachusetts, not moving to Arkansas until she was 26 or 27, far past her formative years.

Barack Obama also adopted a Southern accent during his speech. Even though he was born Honolulu, Hawaii, and lived there and in Jakarta until college. (I’ve never been to Jakarta, but I’m reasonably certain that chances are slim that he picked up a Southern accent there.) Not that I excuse him from being a Faky Fakerton, but he affected his Southern accent with a much lighter hand.

Clinton’s twang faded in and out and was downright insulting, and I’m not even from the South. I’m sure Clinton didn’t mean to offend Southern voters by butchering a Southern accent. I’m sure it was a misstep, a miscalculation.

She must have figured that talking like an idiot worked for George W. Bush, so it could work for her. Hooked on Phonics may have worked for Bush, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right method for teaching people with a fully functioning brain to read.