Cursed Tongue's Top Ten Media Whores of 2005

1. Bob Dylan--From folk music legend to underwear ads. I’ve never seen credibility die so quickly, and on a stage full of scantily clad Victoria Secrets Angels, nonetheless. Would anyone care to go with me to Starbucks for a venti decaf nonfat caramel macchiato and a small piece of Dylan’s soul?

2. Gwyneth Paltrow--Estee Lauder is trying to pass her off as someone who loves the simple pleasures of life. Growing up in a selective, private school, being briefly engaged to Brad Pitt and winning an Academy Award for Shakespeare in Love, the stupidest movie of all time, how else would she live other than modestly? I thought the women on The View had cornered the market on pretending to be ordinary, everyday people.

Paltrow is quoted as saying, "Years ago, endorsing a product was considered something an actress shouldn't do. Now it's almost like a status symbol." No, it’s still something you should go to Japan to do. We have enough pretty, twig-figures on television without adding a rich and famous stick-insect who wants us to believe we can enjoy life’s simple pleasures by plunking down $90 for .25 ounces of Parfum.

3. Tom Cruise--“Jumping jack-ass. He’s a gas, gas, gas!” If I were Oprah, there’d be no way I’d let that overexcited puppy back on my couch. Note to Cruise: Usually, when people fall in love, they don’t feel they have to go on national television to prove it. Also, they don't usually have their beloved stalked by a Scientologist.

4. Julia Roberts--Deserves scorn simply for acting as spokesperson for AOL, the ISP of the Damned, but receives extra kudos for whoring out her newborns on the cover of People magazine.

5. Ty Pennington--He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere! Is there anything this model turned handy-hunk won’t advertise?

6. Martha Stewart—The Apprentice mentorships as community service? I think not.

7. Paris Hilton—How do I whore thee? Let me count the ways...

8. Brad Pitt--Proves you don’t have to do a commercial to be a media whore, you just have to date one.

9. Angelina Jolie--Hopefully, she realizes that children are people and not collectable accessories.

10. Brittany Spears--If one baby doesn’t boost your career and save your marriage to a man who’s already an absentee Dad, maybe two will do the trick.