The funny disease.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Cursed Tongue Guide to Getting Out of Jury Duty

  • Don’t respond to the summons. The rate of return for a jury summons is 80%. Responses to a summons can trigger further calls to serve in court. Because why wouldn’t the government punish people for doing what they’re supposed to? And let jury shirkers fanny about the U. S. of A. as if this was some kind of free country or something.
  • Whine about supporting 4 imaginary children while your imaginary wife works imaginary 13-hour shifts.
  • When they ask if anyone knows the defendant, lean forward, squint at him and say, “Daddy?”
  • Complain loudly about resenting the entire judicial system.
  • Exclaim, “What?” or “Could you repeat that?” to any question.
  • Claim that you believe the defendant must be guilty or he/she wouldn’t be in court—even after the judge has explained how the U.S. judicial system works for the 17th time.
  • Wear clothing described on the on-line jury FAQ as inappropriate, such as a halter-top or pajamas and fuzzy slippers.
  • Do your best impression of Pauly Shore from his immortal classic, Jury Duty.
  • Join the Army. (Warning: Deployment to Iraq may be worse than serving jury duty.)
  • Bring your knitting. Make sure the yarn is pink and the word “Defendant” is embroidered on your project.
  • Contract a debilitating medical disorder that will not allow you to sit in a courtroom for 2 hours at a time.
  • Plan a non-refundable vacation to Fiji for the day after the summons.
  • Say, “I don’t know why, but I just think he looks guilty.”
  • Declare that you have spiritual objections to passing judgment on another. Bring your Whole Foods bag and patchouli cologne. (Warning: It’s possible that the defense attorney may be hoping for a hung jury, and a contentious objector is the answer to his prayers.)
  • Remove your shoelace and tie it into a noose. Play with it.
  • Moan, whine and complain whenever the Judge or attorneys address you.
  • Don’t be Cursed Tongue.

Warning: these tips are for entertainment purposes only. Jury Duty is the civic duty of every American. Cursed Tongue and its affiliates are not responsible for any prosecution or fines resulting from evasion of jury duty. Also, Cursed Tongue is not responsible for actions of people who take jury duty seriously, therefore resent jury shirkers, and hunt them down with shanks made from jury badges, water bottles and courthouse cafeteria burgers.

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