Cursed Tongue Quest for a Career

Reasons Why I’d be a Bad Teacher:

• The snot line—there’s no human wainscoting that can protect me from nasty green kiddie boogers.
• Science-time fun: “Who’s your real Daddy?”
• No man or woman should be charged with raising 30 kids (It’s not humanly possible for one monogamous couple to have that many. File that under “Things Nature Got Right.”)
• They’re taking away recess and the cushy summer vacation. (Note to state DOEs: more time molding Jaden’s butt in that little plastic seat isn’t going to make him/her do better on state exams. It should be “No child left on their behinds.”)
• Parents convinced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their child even though he/she is head butting the walls.
• Parents that want something to be wrong with their child so they can get free special services.
• Biters.
• Extracurricular activities moderation. Don’t those kids have homes?

Recommendation Time:

“Gee, it’s really nice that Kayla idolizes Brittany Spears, but do you really think a four-year-old should be wearing stilettos to school?”

"My recommendation is that you take little Jacob’s college fund and buy a spa, because no amount of education will enable him to be a contributing member of society."

"You better pray that Hannah isn't one of those kids that looks cute when she's four, but turns into the Elephant man as she gets older--because she's going to need to get by on her looks."

"Sure Ethan is bright. But in my opinion, your lack of interest in parenting has him on the fast track to torturing small animals. In ten years, who knows, he may have a career that rivals that of Jeffrey Dahmer."


Ok, I know you wiseacres out there are thinking, “Why don’t you teach older kids?” Because there is nothing you can do to fix those kids. By then the parents have unleashed and cemented their child’s inner psychopath. Brave Teachers of America, I salute you.