Winning by Default

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Winning by Default

Things that Make the Phosgene Kid Irrationally Angry

• Traffic
• Weather Forecasters
• Stupid Newscasters
• Steve Martin
• Other people
• Polluters
• Wal-Mart
• Housing Developers
• Congress
  
• Illegal immigrants
• People that get the wrong answer on game shows (“I got the right answer, that prize should be mine!”)
• Dog haters
• People talking about his colon

See Also:
V Agent for Breakfast
Things that Make Me Irrationally Angry
Things that Make Sweetface Irrationally Angry

Numero Wrongo

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Numero Wrongo

Things I Realized Last Week

• People could be doing pot right now, people in my neighborhood
• They could even be supplying pot to their children
• Dad won’t do anything for spice cake
• Bad parents are still allowed to be teachers
• Every generous donation and adopted child will just make me hate Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie even more (Their natural child hasn’t even cooled off from being out of the oven and they’re adopting another one.)
  
• There are a lot of people who think it's okay to ride a motorcycle without a helmet
• The CIA really is evil
• My brother will answer an e-mail with a question about cars in it
• I could hate Ford even more (Their American Idol inspired commercial gets on my nerves. I shouldn’t have to watch that show. Not even for 30 seconds.)
  

Wanted: Publicist for Britney Spears:

Must write talking points, and have patience to drill her on said talking points. Must have steady hand, in order to assist with make-up application, an eye for proportion for choosing of clothing and must be able to keep constant tabs on Ms. Spears’ hairbrush, which has a tendency to go missing. Must be willing to periodically delouse client, due to frequent exposure to lax bather. Must be willing to hold slightly used gum during television interviews. Must instruct Ms. Spears in deportment. No college degree necessary.

Recap of car crash interview with Matt Lauer.

Lament of the Lumpy Yogurt

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Lament of the Lumpy Yogurt

"Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Chandler made national news when police arrested a couple on possession and sale of marijuana, which they allegedly used to reward their 11 and 12-year-old boys. Their buzz kill four-year-old daughter was apparently still to young to light up with Mom and Dad for putting her toys away. (I think the last time we were so famous is when Ali "Whack-job" Warrayat attempted to blow up our Home Depot.)

Chandler, AZ is a strange place. A blend of the middle class and wealthy interspersed with stark pockets of economic distress. Trailer parks and housing that only a government could build pop up here and there among the lavish strip malls. Some of the houses in the “old” section of town are so poorly insulated the occupants have resorted to opaque aluminum foil window tint. These homes contrast with a handful of very pretty fire stations, ostentatious gated communities, an expansive, showy downtown library and plans for a citywide wireless network. It’s a jarring contrast, and one that I believe should not exist in the richest country in the world. (No, I don't think we should deport all of the poor people.)

When I brought up the satellite image of the block where Betty "Magic-brownies" Crocker,^* and family reside, I was fully expecting to see one of the grungy pockets of town. But instead, I found it was a relatively new neighborhood, where the houses are going for around $250 thousand. In addition, the neighborhood is spitting distance from Hamilton High School--so conveniently located for contributing to the delinquency of minors.

It will be interesting to see if the stoner parents use the Britney Spears defense. In an interview scheduled to air on the “Today” show on Thursday, Spears spoke with Matt Lauer about the time a vicious mob of scary paparazzi made her flee in her SUV (her Frappuccino and un-captured soul intact) with mini K-Fed on her lap. "I did it with my Dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive…We're country." Sorry, honey, that’s not country. That’s just stupid. And so is sharing your stash with your kids, no matter how good they are.


* Not her real name.

Refrigerate This

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Refrigerate This

Eat me: Before I Spoil

There once was a fridge from Sears,
It was supposed to work for years.
Woke up Sunday late,
The temp was sixty-eight.
And the repairperson never appears.


*Update* The repair guy showed up today (Tuesday). And so far the fridge appears to be working.

Stop Pushing My Buttons!

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Stop Pushing My Buttons!