Indisposed

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Indisposed

A War by Any Other `Nam

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

A War by Any Other `Nam

Too Much Blush, Gush and Slush, Not Enough Spidey Crush

Over the Memorial Day weekend we went to see a movie for the first time in a long time. The only reason for me to ever venture into a movie theater is to see an action film in its entire ginormous screen, stadium-seating glory. (I’m still kicking myself for missing out on the larger than life cow spinning out of control in Twister.)

At the ticket window, we were asked why we wanted to see Spider-Man, because it wasn’t popular anymore. Being anti-social and obviously defective, I prefer to see the slightly stale flicks. It sure beats having to sit next to a strange, squirming 4 year-old. (By strange, I mean a 4 year-old child of a person with whom I am unacquainted and who didn’t care enough about their offspring to pony up cash for a babysitter.) We wanted to see Spider-Man in the theater, because we were under the impression that there would be a lot of action and many elaborate computer generated effects. We were correct on one account.

My embarrassing confession for the day is that I am missing the gene, which seems to be common in females, that makes fight scenes and violence in movies repulsive. For example, I enjoy Star Trek films. Not so much for the Sci Fi nerdy glory of the franchise. But more for the frequency of good, old-fashioned ass-kickings. They have phasers (ray guns), force shields and beaming technology. It’s absolutely ridiculous how often the action comes down to fisticuffs. And I love it.

There is a time and place for kissy googoo sentimental slush. The time and place is not in the middle of an action flick that I just paid $7 to see. The two previous Spider-Man movies, and the trailer for the current movie, led me to believe that Spider-Man 3 would be an action movie and not a sappy date flick with $250 million worth of special effects. This is why I have no compunction about sneaking Jujy Fruits into the theater.

It was bad enough that I had to put up with the wretch-inducing presence of Kirsten Dunst, as Spidey main squeeze Mary Jane. It’s great that she’s carrying on the banner of vapid comic book heroine from Margot Kidder, but by the end of Spider-Man 3 I was kind of hoping Spidey wouldn’t get there in the nick of time. To make matters worse, she sings, not once but twice. A voice so nasal and grating, it had to be hers. Critics theorized that her agent must have stipulated that she get two songs in the film. There is no godly reason that audiences should have been subjected to the tortuous tunes otherwise.

I don’t know where it was, but Tobey Maguire’s heart just wasn’t in the movie. He should be thoroughly embarrassed that he was upstaged by the actor who got his start on That 70’s Show. (Topher Grace, as Venom, was the most engaging character in the whole movie.) Either that, or Maguire should have worn a tee shirt that said, “I’d rather be riding a zombie horse in Seabiscuit IV.” At the very least he owed his fans an explanation.

I don’t recommend seeing the Spidey 3, but I’ll try not to spoil the movie for those of you who haven’t already seen it, and choose not to believe me. Harry, Peter Parker’s estranged best friend, gets knocked on the head and conveniently forgets that he thinks Spiderman and thus Peter killed his father. Harry and Peter get manicures, talk about boys and then drink Chocolate-tinis. There’s touching, hugging and crying. I don’t have a problem with the new direction their relationship has taken, but it’s not the movie I chose to see.

Between the singing, the crying and the lack of enthusiasm by most of the main players, I’m beginning to think that instead of releasing films, Hollywood is testing our capacity for suffering. How many times can Tinsel Town ingest box office hits, churn them through its unimaginative digestive system, forcing sequels out through the colon of product placement and merchandising onto an uncomplaining public?

Things Spider-Man 3 Had Too Much of

• Maudlin sentimentality
• Greasy hair
• Crying
• Spidey sans mask
• Flashbacks (33% new footage)
• Kirsten Dunst singing
• Kirsten Dunst
• Ending teases

Things Spider-Man 3 Lacked or Had Too Little of

• Ass-whooping
• Actors who appeared to have bathed recently
• Acting
• Characters who didn’t know Spider-Man was Peter Parker
• Horribly violent death of Mary Jane

Cursed Tongue Guide to Divining Movie Suckage

You really don’t need a Magic 8 Ball and Ouji board to contact Gene Siskel to predict movie suckage. All you need to separate the theatrical wheat from the schlock is this handy list of questions, and a movie trailer. Also, it probably helps if you already know that WWE Raw is make-believe.

Are the blurbs in the trailer:

• From magazines that don’t exist?
  
• From Wireless magazine?
• From KSUX Small Time Local Affiliate in Podunk, ID?
• One word? (The critic could have said “Fantastic flop,” which becomes “Fantastic!” in the hands of advertisers.)
• Invaded by ellipses?
• Punctuated with multiple exclamation points? (Serious news outlets frown on the use of any exclamation point, multiple points are for 12 year-old-girls and movie advertisers. If an Ebert quote contains an exclamation point, you can rest assured that advertisers inserted it.)

Does the movie trailer:

• Consist of a hypnotic jumble of flashing scenes that leave you feeling like you were just subliminally punked?
• Make as much sense as Tom Cruise being heterosexual?
• Contain interviews from the actors about how great the movie is?
• Contain interviews from people on the street, who obviously walked out of the theater dazed from viewing 90 minutes of a movie so horrible it amounts to emotional torture? (Movie night in Gitmo features classic Rob Schneider, or Pauly Shore flicks. Don’t tell me that kind of torture isn’t covered by the Geneva Convention.)
• Tout the film as “The best movie of the year,” and it is January?
• Tout the film as the “Most popular comedy/drama/PowerPoint presentation of the summer,” and it is May?
• Compare the movie to a good movie? (“It’s as magical as the Wizard of Oz.” And the film stars CG robotic cows.)
• Describe the film as Movie X meets Movie Y? (It’s Sound of Music meets The Godfather.)

General Questions:

• Does the movie contain a bizarre time warp plot and Keanu Reeves?
• Is the movie a sequel staring a rough-looking Stallone, who seems to insist on writing/directing movies until the Rocky and Rambo franchises rival the Police Academy movies for sequels?
• Is the movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan, and it’s not The Sixth Sense?
• Did the movie go direct to video?
• Is the title of the movie Snakes on a Plane?
• Is it a war movie with a chick in it? (Because according to The Phosgene Kid all war movies with chicks in them suck.)

If you answer yes to any of these questions the chances of movie suckage are 50%. Yes to two questions and the chances of suckage are 80%. Three or more yeses raise the odds of movie suckage to 99.9%.