Extremely Wrongful Tantrum

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Extremely Wrongful Tantrum

I'd Like to Buy the World a Pure Cane Sugar Coke"

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

"I'd Like to Buy the World a Pure Cane Sugar Coke"

A War by Any Other `Nam

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

A War by Any Other `Nam

Foreign Policy Flunky

Foreign Policy Flunky

Monday morning was going to be good. My husband called from the bedroom that former President Jimmy Carter said the Bush administration was “the worst in history.” Finally, someone with cojones and political influence standing up to President Bush and his merry band of baloney-spewing bullies.

A White House spokesman deemed Carter, "increasingly irrelevant with these kinds of comments." I must give the Bush administration kudos for coming up with an insult better than un-American. But I think it would be hard to find someone who pays attention to the political sphere that would agree with them. I think Carter is more relevant now than when he was President. So did the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

My admiration of Jimmy Carter soared. And I was feeling better about life in general. That was before Carter had his interview on the Today show later that morning. That was before the 82 year-old Carter changed his mind so fast, it’s a wonder he didn’t snap his spine. He said he was comparing the foreign policy of President Bush with that of President Nixon. He did not intend to compare the Bush administration with U. S. administrations throughout history, on everything.

I will concede that President Bush couldn’t possibly be the worst President in the history of the United States in every arena. I’m sure he is the best at driving under the influence. The best at refusing to support stem cell research because it would take a long time before people would benefit. I’m sure he’s very good at hiring based on political affiliation. Certainly, he is the best at pretending to be a Texan.

Meredith Vieira of the Today show asked Carter if he was saying his remarks were careless and reckless. (He had used the word careless. He did not use the word reckless.) She then asked him, “Do you believe, sir, that as a former President, it’s appropriate to criticize the President, particularly during a time of war?” When a mere 6 or 7 years ago some inhabitants of the political sphere were incensed over President Clinton’s love life, it’s unbelievable that President Bush is subject to so little verbal abuse. Lying about a dalliance with a subordinate seems such a trifle compared to the diarrhea of lies that come out of Bush’s mouth.

Vieira seemed combative and talked over former President Carter a few times, culminating in a moment of awkward dead air, when he might have been wondering why they’d invited him on the talk show if they weren’t going to let him say anything. I had to glance at the annoying, ever-present logo at the lower right hand corner of the screen to be sure I was watching NBC and had not unwittingly stumbled onto FOX News. It makes me wonder what the Bush administration has on members of Congress, and on the forthright people working for the communications industry. I think it could be the threat of releasing the DC Madam’s 46 pounds of phone records. (Who knew that Vieira was a fan of happy endings?)

While I ponder why Bush has not been unceremoniously tossed out of the White House for being “the worst in history,” at least I can take solace in the fact that the media took interest in a verbal brawl that didn’t involve a bouffanted billionaire buffoon and a loudmouth comedian that gets her facts from e-mail forwards.

Terrorist's Calendar

President Bush, aka The Decider, claims that terrorists will mark their calendars if Congress passes a law giving a specific date for troop withdrawal. A Cursed Tongue exclusive, we have access to Osama Bin Laden’s personal day planner. As you can see, every day is a good day to bring “Death to America.” I have trouble believing that troop withdrawal will increase the danger to the U.S.A. (Besides which, it would be my guess that Al’Queda would throw a party complete with camel rides and a bouncy casbah if we left.)

Of course, in the same speech Bush called himself a conservationist. Which is kind of like someone claiming to be a vegan and then eating Jell-o. At this point I assume that pretty much everything out of his mouth is steaming cow flop. Members of the Cattlemen’s Beef Association to whom he gave the speech earlier today were un-phased by the copious amount bovine prairie pies served up by the President.

Signless Spring

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Signless Spring

Post Traumatic Scandal Disorder

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Post Traumatic Scandal Disorder

Flush Fund

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Flush Fund

Cross into the Nude

USAF Drill Sergeant Michelle Manhart was relieved of duty, pending investigation, for giving new meaning to her job title.

Manhart, a Staff Sergeant with 13 years in the Air Force, apparently exercising the freedoms she joined the military to fight for, posed in Playboy, nude and semi-nude, with and without her dog tags.

You can be all you can be, unless you happen to be gay or naked.

I certainly don’t begrudge USAF’s investigation of the February issue of Playboy. I hope they look beyond Manhart’s life-long dream of posing in the premier nudie magazine, and decide that they need her expertise as a grinder of young souls, which are needed to bake the bread of democracy. Especially what with President Bush sending a surge of finely ground military forces into Iraq. Notwithstanding that a 15% increase in troops is really more of a dribble than a surge.

If every solder whose actions did not “comply with the Air Force's core values of integrity,” was relieved of duty, we’d have a ludicrously understaffed military, instead of just a ridiculously understaffed one.

America is beautiful place. A country where women and men can earn money for being photographed in their birthday suits. And I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t be having this conversation if we changed Michelle to Michael, and Playboy to Playgirl.

If USAF kicks Manhart out on her exposed derriere, the terrorist will have won.

Inflatable Rubber Dam in Tempe Sustains Sun Damage

The harsh power of the sun is difficult to comprehend for non-desert dwellers. And apparently the concept is difficult to grasp for some who do live in the desert.

Despite living in one of the hottest parts of Arizona (and I mean that in a purely climatological sense), it seems that the Tempe City Council of 1999 was unenlightened about the challenges of installing a couple of inflatable rubber dams in Tempe to create Town Lake, a colossal monument to the desert obsession with water. When the Tempe City Council hired Bridgestone to build the dams in 1999, they were told the inflatable rubber dams would last 20 years, but there is only a 10-year warranty on them.

Tires on cars and trucks do not last as long as they normally would, through our 100-degree plus summers. One would think that Bridgestone--which in addition to building inflatable dams, manufactures tires--would have been well aware of the proclivity of inflatable rubber objects to deteriorate in hot climates. In 2019 the City Council would have been composed of entirely new membership, repairs to the dam would have been Somebody Else’s Problem.

In 1999 Tempe installed two rubber dams around a flood plain, inflated them and filled the space in between them with 3,065 acre feet or 996,125,000 gallons of water, in order to give residents of Tempe more “recreational opportunities.” It took 42 days to fill Town Lake. The Western dam gets more direct sunlight than the Eastern dam and, in consequence, it is developing hairline cracks.

When I was a child, I remember having an inflatable Barbie armchair. This was a good idea, as it gave Barbie a nice place to sit and when I was done playing, I could deflate the chair and put it, and Barbie into her Section 8 Dream Condo (my Mom’s old suitcase). It was not holding back an incomprehensible amount of water. And when my little brother punctured it, I had a craft project on my hands. I wasn’t salting away $16 million in order to repair it.

To recap, inflatable Barbie furniture is a good idea. Inflatable dam under the unrelenting sun of the Sonoran Desert: notsomuch.