Liberal Load

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Liberal Load

Cursed Tongue Guide to Divining Movie Suckage

You really don’t need a Magic 8 Ball and Ouji board to contact Gene Siskel to predict movie suckage. All you need to separate the theatrical wheat from the schlock is this handy list of questions, and a movie trailer. Also, it probably helps if you already know that WWE Raw is make-believe.

Are the blurbs in the trailer:

• From magazines that don’t exist?
  
• From Wireless magazine?
• From KSUX Small Time Local Affiliate in Podunk, ID?
• One word? (The critic could have said “Fantastic flop,” which becomes “Fantastic!” in the hands of advertisers.)
• Invaded by ellipses?
• Punctuated with multiple exclamation points? (Serious news outlets frown on the use of any exclamation point, multiple points are for 12 year-old-girls and movie advertisers. If an Ebert quote contains an exclamation point, you can rest assured that advertisers inserted it.)

Does the movie trailer:

• Consist of a hypnotic jumble of flashing scenes that leave you feeling like you were just subliminally punked?
• Make as much sense as Tom Cruise being heterosexual?
• Contain interviews from the actors about how great the movie is?
• Contain interviews from people on the street, who obviously walked out of the theater dazed from viewing 90 minutes of a movie so horrible it amounts to emotional torture? (Movie night in Gitmo features classic Rob Schneider, or Pauly Shore flicks. Don’t tell me that kind of torture isn’t covered by the Geneva Convention.)
• Tout the film as “The best movie of the year,” and it is January?
• Tout the film as the “Most popular comedy/drama/PowerPoint presentation of the summer,” and it is May?
• Compare the movie to a good movie? (“It’s as magical as the Wizard of Oz.” And the film stars CG robotic cows.)
• Describe the film as Movie X meets Movie Y? (It’s Sound of Music meets The Godfather.)

General Questions:

• Does the movie contain a bizarre time warp plot and Keanu Reeves?
• Is the movie a sequel staring a rough-looking Stallone, who seems to insist on writing/directing movies until the Rocky and Rambo franchises rival the Police Academy movies for sequels?
• Is the movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan, and it’s not The Sixth Sense?
• Did the movie go direct to video?
• Is the title of the movie Snakes on a Plane?
• Is it a war movie with a chick in it? (Because according to The Phosgene Kid all war movies with chicks in them suck.)

If you answer yes to any of these questions the chances of movie suckage are 50%. Yes to two questions and the chances of suckage are 80%. Three or more yeses raise the odds of movie suckage to 99.9%.

Schlock Therapy

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Schlock Therapy

Low Tree, High Maintenance

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Low Tree, High Maintenance

Drawbacks of Global Warming

• Hot weather ideal for mosquito love fest
• The “deodorant optional” among us will really stand out
• FEMA can’t find a flood with CNN and a map
• Styrofoam makes comeback
• Smoking won’t be such an ass-pain
• No more Winter Olympics
• Some crops don’t do well in high heat—like rice and corn
• Antiquated electrical grids won’t be able to handle extended seasons of a/c usage
• “Yes, that mole is cancer.”

Benefits of Global Warming

• Everyday casual Friday
• The price of oil may go up, OPEC is psyched
• Most people prefer warmer climates (How else would you explain Jamaica as a tourist destination--where people go, but don’t leave their lovely resorts?)
• Global Warming is caused by CO2 and plants love CO2
• Longer growing season
• More precipitation, less drought
• Webbed feet will be genetically desirable
• Pesky permafrost will thaw making it easier to despoil Alaskan wilderness for with oil drills
• Calamari bumper crop
• Backyards become tropical retreats
  
• Dry ice martinis

Global Warming: Sweating it Out

Friday Editorial at Cynical Sarah:

Global Warming: Sweating it Out