Just What Pat Roberston Always Wanted

Okay, you’re going to hate me. But I’m working on my Christmas shopping. If you’re reading this and you’re on my Christmas list, of course I buy your gift in November so it will be fresh. (Although, if I was to buy you a Christmas present in March, it should be flattering to think that I am confident that I will still like you by December.)

I found the perfect gift for Pat Robertson. Now, normally he wouldn’t be on my list, but you know when you find the perfect thing for someone you know, and you just have to buy it for them? I know I probably just lost my male audience, which I believe to be considerable, but please just humor me and nod. I knew you could!

It’s The Human Evolution Coloring Book, and the connection between humans and our closest living primate relatives couldn’t be more clearly explained.

The Human Knee and the Argument for Intelligent Design

If the design of the human body, for example, is so *intelligent,* then why are the knees of a woman under 30 already shot? I don’t even have any kids to run after, unless you count Sweetface. I have to do my Yogalates three times a week to get to the point where I don’t have to live on prescribed pain killers. I really shouldn’t be at the point where I’m cursing out fitness guru, Denise Austin. She seems like such a nice lady, but in my mind she’s morphed into a militant exercise Hun.

Evolution is only a theory, but so is gravity. Maybe Pat Robertson can stuff that fact up his nose while he’s floating off the Earth into space. We can only pray that will happen. Not unlike the way that Pat Robertson prayed for a space to open up on the Supreme Court (you know, that court where a judge usually retires by dying.) I’m sure that’s exactly what Jesus would have prayed for. Die liberal judge! Die!

What I really don’t understand is why both the theory and the so-proclaimed “Biblical truth,” can’t just live in peace and harmony. Maybe God, who wrote the Bible, knew there would be a lot of simple people, not unlike Pat Robertson. And these simple people would require a simplified, abridged version of Evolution. In the book of Genesis, God populates the world with plants, and then fish, and then birds and then mammals, such as cattle, and people come to the party last. That’s just the Golden Books version of the Theory of Evolution, right?

That’s why organized religion gives me hives. Conservative Christians seem to be missing an important lesson of the Holy Bible: tolerance. Drawing religious lines in the sand and calling down the wrath of God on Dover, Pensylvania is so Spanish Inquisition. I say, “Get with it, Religious Right!" Tolerance is the new black. Cursed Tongue takes pride in digging its own pit to Hell. See all of you non-Conservative Christians there!

Recommended Reading at The Nation:

God's Pat Problem