SUVs Corrupt, Absolutely Gargantuan SUVs Corrupt Absolutely.

Dear NASCAR-Loving SUV Drivers,

I’m not here to sharpen my kitty claws on the fact that you’re driving an eight-passenger, gas-guzzler solo. I believe that the rising price of gas will be punishment enough soon enough. Frankly, it’s time for an intervention. It’s your driving. Some SUV drivers seem to be under the delusion that they are driving a sports car, instead of 4 tons of steal mobile death.

Sweetface is not a slow driver. In fact, I occasionally have to remind him that we’re not on the Autobahn. But this weekend on the freeway five SUVs swerved in front of our little blue sedan, almost close enough to peel a layer bugs from our bumper, within about a 20-minute period. It was as if we had wandered into a clinically insane drivers parade. Weaving dangerously in and out of traffic in some misguided belief that you will get there first is for Nissan Maxima drivers.

Later on we saw a truck, granted not an SUV but still, switch lanes no less than five times about 500 yards from their exit. If you keep passing the snail mobiles that are chugging along at a measly 80 mph, only to run into other cars going an agonizing 80 mph, then it’s you, not them.

Tailgating is always dangerous, but tailgating in 8,000 pounds of metal at 85mph is reason enough to have the offending driver committed. You see, there’s this thing called velocity. The heavier your car is, and the faster it is going, the longer it takes to stop. Thus, if you are determined to read the hallucinatory bumper sticker on our sedan and a existent knitting needle flies from out of nowhere and punctures our tire, you will certainly rear-end us as our car skids and slows. Unless of course, you are really sitting next to Lincoln in a nice, quiet institution with a Fisher Price steering wheel in your lap, where you belong.

You also seem to be unaware that at night your super cool, 500-watt headlights are at exactly the right height to blind the drivers of the sedan you are tailgating. I’m sure that it’s not your fault that the headlights are 500-watts. But it would be nice of you to keep your distance regardless of wattage.

It’s not that I don’t like you, you enthusiastically reckless SUV drivers. I’m sure that you were perfectly sane before you sat behind the wheel. But your offensive driving doesn’t make you look cool, it doesn’t make you look sexy. You won’t ever be “discovered” by a NASCAR talent scout. Please pick a lane and stick with it. And for Mario Andretti’s sake slow down!

Drive Safe,
Sarah Letnes
Cursed Tongue