CBN: Christian Broadcasting Network Featuring Spiritual Leader and Strongman, Pat Robertson, or Satan’s Toehold in Your Living Room?

(And you probably thought the channel for eternal damnation was Fox!)

Pat Robertson claims that he could leg-press 2,000 pounds, roughly the weight of a fully loaded Ford Festiva. Forget for a moment that Robertson is 76 years old. He’s skinny, wiry at best. I don’t challenge his vim and vigor, but he’s no Arnold Schwarzenegger. Certainly, he’s also no Dan Kendra—who Travis Clay, in writing about Robertson’s claim, references as the record holder for leg-pressing the most weight. A Florida State University football player, Kendra leg-pressed 1,335 pounds. The strain of pressing so much weight burst the capillaries in Kendra’s eyes.

I felt that in order to responsibly report to you about the miracle of Robertson’s 2,000 pound leg-press, I had to brave the CBN website, which I have not linked to here, Dear Readers, because I care too much about your well-being. As the CBN website materialized on my screen, I immediately felt immensely uncomfortable, like the time that wacky Aunt Pearl offered me a paper bag filled with huge granny panties that didn’t fit her, in front of my Grandfather (the man who muted and looked away from any commercial that might contain the words “personal freshness”). There was sweating and palpitations, Dear Readers, which might have been due to the 108 degree heat, but it could have been that I had stumbled upon an electronic portal to Hell. Could it have been the sting of e-holy water on my demonic aura? Well, I won’t pretend that the last time I was in a church wasn’t at least two years ago and a relative’s baptism. But if it counts for anything I still remembered all of the words.

What caused me such distress, visiting a virtual Christian wonderland? It might be the fact that it allows users to do everything from requesting prayers to getting advice on their love life. Or, it might be the flame symbol included in their logo. I suppose it represents the light of God, or Holy Ghost, or something. But didn’t it ever occur to the committee of Christians, responsible for choosing a logo for the station, that a flame might be associated more closely with hellfire, Satan, and eternal damnation? Why not use a lamb, or a cross or a fish? Why not use water, a symbol of baptism and included on Footprints refrigerator magnets everywhere, as part of their icon? Or maybe it was simply an allergic reaction to the holier-than-thou smugness that wafted right off the pixels. But I digress.

According to the CBN website, Robertson was able to achieve the feat of the 2,000 pound leg-press, with the help of a physician, and by drinking a special protein shake. The recipe for which, can be downloaded for free, if you don’t mind registering with CBN, which I do. The Age-Defying Shake includes ingredients like apple cider vinegar, flaxseed oil, soy protein isolate, and whey protein isolate, according to an article on the ABC News website. Why isn't Barry Bonds shooting this up, instead of other alleged performance enhancers? If it’s that great why isn’t Robertson bottling his Reality-Denying Shake? He could have it blessed, call it “Sweat of Christ Elixir,” and the proceeds could go to teen abstinence programs and heathen conversion.

And that, Dear Readers, is why I’m going Hell. Pray for me!