Hopelessly Lost

Anne Sweeney, President
ABC Entertainment
500 S. Buena Vista St
Burbank, CA 91521-4551

Dear Ms. Anne Sweeney,

Despite my better judgment, and the chronic stupidity of the characters on Lost, I continue to be a regular viewer. Last night I was watching, when a television pop-up ad obscured the lower inch of the picture on my TV screen. I was not fazed by this, because ABC and other stations have trained us well. In fact, I’m having trouble recalling what the advertisement was even for. Let’s say it was an ad for Crest Whitestrips.

Were you aware that two of the characters on Lost are Korean? And furthermore that they often speak Korean to each other, in what I can only assume is part of the script? In order for us to understand what they are saying, as the typical American most definitely does not speak Korean, the producers of Lost have included handy dandy subtitles in their show. Anyhow, this ad for Crest Whitestrips, (or what have you) ran during the show, right over the subtitles. It seems to me that somewhere down the line at ABC, someone is confused about the use of subtitles. Simply put, if they are obscured by advertising, subtitles don’t work. Of course, they also don’t work for the illiterate, but in that case the ad for Crest Whitestrips wouldn’t have worked, either. Let us hope that the person at ABC who is confused about the use of subtitles, is not also illiterate.

You may think that I am going to ask you to stop putting banner ads on your lovely television network, but rest assured that nothing could be further from the truth. It used to be I would sit through the filler on the ABC Network, and think to myself, “When will we get to the commercials?” Occasionally, a character would be holding a Coke or wearing North Face jacket, but that just could not sate my craving, nay my need, to be pummeled over the head with refrains insisting that I need a Ford Focus, a Budweiser and a Blockbuster rental or life is not worth living. And who doesn’t need to be told that they should be smarter, thinner and prettier, twenty-three times within a one-hour period? But thanks be to God, that someone with a blindingly brilliant intellect recognized that useless space at the bottom of the screen during television shows. It’s not as if your viewers were doing anything, like, I don’t know…watching their stories.

So, where does that leave subtitles? I think the solution is a simple script rewrite, killing off Sun and Jin, the Lost characters that speak Korean. Why should ABC have to pretend to be culturally aware? This is America, where I think our national motto should be (if it isn’t already): “It’s too late to pretend we care about anyone else now.” Lost has to keep people captivated with violence and death, anyhow. It’s safer than keeping people riveted to the screen with sex, what with the KGB, (excuse me) I mean, FCC out there. That’s a whole separate category of complaint letter, I’m sure.

Hopelessly Lost,
Cursed Tongue